Stop expecting to be compensated for your suffering – heal instead its a better way.
The mind seems to hold on to our wounded narratives and whether consciously or unconsciously they become a part of our identity that we are not too keen to give up. Healing belongs to the mystical power of the soul and the ability to embrace this somewhat intimidating journey involves transforming our lives.
It seems completely out of sorts that being healthy and whole is not advantageous in a society where pain has privileges – in other words, we expect to be compensated for our suffering. Somehow being healthy means we have to live up to our fullest potential whereas wounds are a very seductive social tool.
Woundology is a concept derived by Caroline Myss, and she talks about it extensively in her book, “Why People Don’t Heal And How They Can”. She talks about people who continue to open the wounds of their trauma long past the occurrence and share with everyone they come in contact with. These wounds influence or control others and healing cease to be a positive goal.
“Mark was a ‘daycare’ relief worker who was always tired, stressed, and overwhelmed. The first day I met him I realized that he had openly assumed the role of a victim, almost as a power play, to receive love and compassion from those he came in contact with. His interactions were always full of emotion and drama. I picked up on his tactics and his desperate need for me to respond with attention and affection. Of course, we didn’t really connect as I couldn’t indulge in entertaining his need for a victim/rescuer relationship – I avoided the ‘How are you?’ questions so as to avoid a download of wounded experiences …”
The truth is you not supposed to stay wounded – after all, what stays wounded in nature?
There was a time when I found it useful to manipulate my wounds knowing full well that those around me seem to support my pain. Feeling unappreciated in this profession meant that I could use the wound and deliver the rage. I had had a terrible night’s sleep, and so I deserve to pull out the sympathy card and enjoy the attention I receive for my struggles. But I am happy to say that today, not only do I not let my situation dominate my conversations, I also don’t let it affect my moods. So that I can continue to develop loving, healthy relationships, I ask myself-
Do I get bitter or do I get better
Breaking the pattern of Woundology
Wounds are a natural part of life’s challenges and ultimately enhance and build our own characters. Forgiveness undoubtedly disempowers wounds and an awareness that we have the ability to avoid conversations that may lead us down the ‘rabbit hole’.
“Forgiveness ends all suffering and loss” – Lesson 249 “A Course in Miracles”
If you live with a woundologist, one of the most difficult choices you make is the day you stop responding to the power of their wounds- it takes enormous courage to make a choice to change the pattern between two people. When they become defensive or ‘campaign for your agreement’ be aware that you will be judged for not understanding and the dynamics will change…
How to help someone who suffers from Woundology
Get ready to not play the game anymore – be prepared for the backlash and offer an extra dose of compassion for ‘their addiction’
Remain silent – do not offer anything but presence. At some point, the storm will pass – move on without giving it your energy
Apologize – explain that you are committed to their healing and will not participate in perpetuating their wounds by passing comment on their situation
If gaining significance from pain continues to drive us, then additional pain will continue to find us, at our own energetic and spiritual expense. The way forward is to not look for attention, avoid expressing hardship and continue to sacrifice shared intimacy over wounds that are eternally festering –