Dropping the waterline…
“A healer is not someone that you go to for healing. A healer is someone that triggers within you, your own ability to heal yourself.”
I felt that it might be helpful to share my story as I found this to be a valuable process to identify the intricate details that have been woven into my journey and in time will also contribute to my healing process as I pledge to ‘love and accept’ my fragmented personality based on truths that simply aren’t true!
As much as my earlier years were imbued with sporting success and achievement – I don’t remember feeling happy because of it. I felt guilty that every team I made and every tour I went on only put more financial strain on my parents who were already struggling to make ends meet. I knew that they sacrificed much, and maybe even gave up on their own hopes and dreams so I could experience mine…
Having suffered their own loses they were faced with yet another blow – the devastating news that a family member had been diagnosed with a brain tumour. I look back and I understand why they feel such sadness and why I indirectly absorbed their pain.
I vowed that I would never experience the “lack” I had been exposed to, the hardships that breached the surface with money issues and so I began falling in and out of affairs with older affluent men which enabled me to travel and experience a world of luxury and wealth all the while still feeling the “lack” within.
As life evolved, I realized that I had mimicked patterns of behaviour that resembled all the characteristics of a ‘modern-day martyr’ and that I was using suffering and persecution to feel good about myself – making unnecessary sacrifices while ignoring my own needs. I embraced this as a daily routine and soon realized that it was resulting in the breakdown of my own interpersonal relationships.
I knew that my parents had sacrificed a great deal for me, and I adopted that mindset with detrimental consequences. I started to blame others for my disappointments and then refused to take responsibility for decisions I made that may have caused pain to those that I loved – I blamed them for my oppression and for their insensitivity and selfishness.
I also started to engage in human drama and actively sought appreciation and recognition for all that I was doing – in a way exaggerating my level of suffering, and hardship. I had an obsessive need to be right and had a hard time setting personal boundaries – building up resentment and regret by not being able to say ‘no’ to people.
All these attributes became more prevalent the worse I felt about myself – these core beliefs were prominent in the 1st part of my journey and low self-esteem was an underlying self-imposed trait that had developed due to my inability to receive love, an evolving poor body image, and having adopted a number of dysfunctional coping mechanisms.
But, I am a ‘work in progress’ and continue to evolve as I embrace my life that is currently unfolding in the wake of the second part of my journey and the inception of my precious blogs which has provided a platform for clarity and honesty!
“Looking behind I am filled with gratitude
Looking forward I am filled with vision
Looking upward I am filled with strength
And looking within I discover peace”
Apache Prayer
